Divination Reading (4): What Do You Fear?

“I want to overcome my fear of commitment. Value: Profit. Choice Lens: Perception. Interesting…”

“How so?”

“Well I think Divine Nature is trying to tell me that I have to stay in the game to win, right?” 

“Let me ask you this: Do you really have a fear of commitment?”

“I think so. I fear losing my independence, compromising my career aspirations, and having to rely on someone other than myself.”” 

Elijah continued, “Perhaps you’re confusing the courage to wait for the right person or opportunity with a fear of commitment.”

“Hmm, I think you’re right. Outwardly, I may appear to be someone who is unable to commit, but the reality is that I am a person of genuine commitment; I cannot do anything half-heartedly.”

Elijah proceeded, “Then what is it that you fear?”

“Well, hold on, I have my list of fears that I created back in March…”

So here are my greatest fears:
  1. Losing my dedication to spirituality.
  2. Neglecting my truest and highest purpose.
  3. Displacing my inner peace, even for a moment.
“You know Elijah, I’ve had to mask and guard my inner identity around family and friends at home. I’ve been a mystery to them. I always knew that the less I said, the less I would have to explain. I’ve sought refuge in silence to protect the most tender part of me.”

I took a few minutes to string together the pearls of my spiritual journey

My 7th grade teacher would best describe me as “always on the search for meaning.” But the real search for meaning started when I left home in the fall of 2005, and each time after that. 

Since my first day at Babson College, my life has existed in two distinct worlds. There is the home world (Chicago) containing the past, and the work world (Boston –> Westport, CT –> Afghanistan –> Kenya –> ?) leading to the future. 

At first, I grappled with my loneliness in the work world and yet craved solitude when I visited home. When the world around me had gone to sleep, I would pull out books like The Psychic Pathway, Conversations with God, and Fourteen Lessons in Yogi Philosophy and Oriental Occultism  from under my bed and continue my private search for Truth.

As I spent more and more time away and alone, I witnessed the unfolding of my inner world. I started to link what I was reading to my own experiences. Still, I made sure not to make any outward indications of the changes taking place inside of me. 

My faith encountered a thrashing sea of trials, and continues to do so, as it must in order to fully crystalize. On many occasions, I’ve felt that I was done for – engulfed by the turbulent waters, unable to battle the opposing forces any longer, and yet, I’ve returned to the surface stronger and wiser. There is a greater force that is pushing me forward on my search. As I continue on, I can see the embryonic drop of hope gradually transforming into a full suit of armor.

“How long will you hide behind your childhood identity? How long will you keep from speaking your truth at home?” Elijah asked.

I wanted to run and hide behind another assignment in a distant part of the world. But I knew I had retreated from this challenge one too many times in the past, and that this time, there was no escaping it. I had to make the leap to the next stage on the spiral dynamics map.

It then occurred to me that my faith had a power of its own now. I knew that it had already taken a hold of my entire being and that I could no longer continue to barricade it within my work world or prevent it from overflowing into all facets of my identity. I knew this had to happen and that eventually, I would have to integrate my separate identities to feel more at home in Chicago. 

In order for that to happen, I needed to find my voice and actively speak my truth, to go from being unknown to unveiled, and to endure the feeling of being exposed.

I didn’t know if I was ready for all that yet. But, I assumed the first step would be to publicly share my Divination Reading Life Map. So I posted it on Facebook and thought that I was pretty brave for letting everyone see what I wanted. Mission accomplished, right? 

-S

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