2024 was so hard.
A part of me used to believe that because I’ve been through a divorce, moving to a new country, and a career change all at the same time, I’m bulletproof. I can take on anything. I can grieve anything gracefully.
But I can’t. I was an absolute mess after the miscarriage in June. That grief still comes up. And part of that is me grieving who I thought I was.
The depression was so deep that I didn’t know if I’d ever come out of it. No job to do, no classes to attend, no clients to get back to.
Maybe I needed to clock a certain number of hours of being and doing nothing? Maybe the little me was making up for lost time. You know, because I grew up so quickly and was always so mature and helpful to everyone around me.
Wrapped in the depression was the internalization that I’m autistic. The autistic brain creates a more detailed map of the world. When something doesn’t match or unexpected happens, it triggers the “alarm bell” more often and more intensely because the autistic brain is working harder to update its map and make sense of the change. Roughly 1-2% of humans are autistic. Pregnancy can act as a catalyst for late autism diagnosis in women, as it did for me.
This was the message our baby and the miscarriage brought for me. It dismantled my mask so I could see myself more clearly.
Now I understand why I was so anxious throughout the fertility journey: there’s so much that I was expected to know i.e. the 4 stages of my menstrual cycle, and that women can only get pregnant 4 days every month. I was an A+ student in school. How did I get to age 38 without knowing this? (can you hear the self-shame in this thought?)
I coped with each challenge exactly as I had done in the past: learning everything I can to help other people in the same situation. Check out my 1-pager 10 Things to know BEFORE starting with Mira Of course I would put this together. I even reached out to the company to see if they needed a behavioral scientist to work with their UX team.
This is my autism at play. It screams: you clearly need help with this, so let me help you! Let me be of service so I can soothe my frustration about this terrible experience with your product and we can make the world a better place together! Use my pain to further your purpose!
After the miscarriage, I crashed hard. I couldn’t produce anything of value for anyone.
Interacting with others came with the fear of being misunderstood. I was so tired of having to explain my needs in a way that “made sense.”
I disconnected from our families, friends, and community. I needed to disappear. I let myself just be, without judgment, questions, or shame. I was grieving a baby and a whole lifetime of unconscious masking.
I closed in on myself. I cocooned to feel safe. I lay low, hidden, and out of sight for a very long time.
I felt limited in so many ways due to all my conditions: ADHD, Highly Sensitive People (HSP), and now autism. I was exhausted from trying to override my limitations.
Many months later, I wondered…
Maybe what we call ‘disability’ brings the exact ‘ability’ our world needs at this time…?
My inability to work in a traditional office didn’t limit me; it redirected me. It created the space for me to tap into my intuition, creativity, and deep understanding of human relationships. The transformation I’ve achieved—both within myself and for the hundreds of clients I’ve guided—is a testament to the power of aligning with my Authentic Self.
My ability to distill complex patterns of attachment and help others shift from insecurity to security in just four weeks through Patterns to Presence is proof that my limitations were the fertile ground for discovering and nurturing my gifts.
I’m ready to fully accept my limitations and gifts, and to celebrate the Autistic Me in 2025.
And here I honor the death of the old me and our baby through this letter:
Dear old me & our baby,
I see you. I hear you. And I’ve got you.
You can rest now. I’ll take it from here.
With love and reverence,
Your Mama Bear
I can hear our baby cheering me on: You can do it, Mama! Do it for me, and for the world you hoped to birth me in.
Here are some helpful resources if you suspect you might also be autistic:
